I used to think that anything I do, wouldn't matter at all anyway.

doctor_rasgotra @ 2008-01-30T20:55:00

2008-01-31T04:55:08Z

It's Michael's birthday and Neela plans on being true to her word. She'll go visit her husband, but she's already pussyfooting around the apartment, avoiding the unpleasant drive and moment she'll have to have. She's also nervous and guilt ridden, which is a lovely combination. She's not sure how visiting Michael is going to blend with Blair coming along, but if he can handle this she's sure he'll be able to handle everything. It's not a test, though, she just wants support - and his is the support she craves in this.

She's on auto pilot when she parks her car infront of his flat, sitting infront for a few minutes before walking up the stairs and rapping on his door softly. As she waits she shifts a hand over her clothes, pulling her scarf up and over her mouth.

doctor_rasgotra @ 2008-01-28T20:01:00

2008-01-29T04:01:43Z

Will & Grace with a pint of Ben and Jerry's is the best medicine ever.

That is all.

doctor_rasgotra @ 2008-01-26T21:35:00

2008-01-27T05:35:08Z

I keep having dreams about him. More often than usual. Most of the time I see him on the street and run after him, desperately trying to get through the crowds of people only to find that he's vanished. On occasion he'll just come home and he's here, as if it never happend and we fall asleep in each other's arms and I wake up and he's gone, vanished all and any trace of him gone. Nightmares I suppose. Each time they're different. I've relived seeing him again after he came back with that little girl, he's been buried alive, I've watched him die - I know enough to be dangerous about his death. And more often than not I wake up covered in sweat and my heart racing. I suppose most of this stems from his approaching 32nd birthday - something we were looking forward to finally being able to celebrate together and not a million miles apart. I also was so wrapped up in myself and my life that I missed our anniversary and last May - the anniversary of his death. You know I've not even visited his final resting place -- no, I don't like that phrase and I refuse to use the word grave. I've not visited him since we left him. God, that sounds so horrible - left him - as if I wanted to. I've got this buggery American flag to remind me of that every day. That I left him. When in reality, he left me and I let him. I let him go back to that godforsaken desert. I didn't put up enough fight, I wanted him to stay. I wanted him to stay for me and I wanted him to stay for us - but that wasn't enough. He wanted to save the world and he'd be damned if I stood in the way of that. Was I a good wife to let him go when I knew he could get himself killed? Was that a supportive move? It feels as if I gave him his death sentence. I let him walk willingly into a fire I knew was there. It's been two years - almost three - and it can still rip through me - the guilt and the pain and the tremendous ache in the part of my heart that Michael will always have. I don't believe in God - in the traditional Christian sense. But I've got to believe in a higher power and that Michael is some place where he can keep watch over us every day. Some place where he's happy and can laugh and be loved. Some place better than here. Better than earth. I'd be mad if I couldn't believe that for him. He deserves that.

I should be happy - no, I am happy in life. I'm loved by so many and I finally feel like I can take a deep breath of fresh air and not have it burn my lungs in cruel reminder. I've got a great job, friends, and a significant other that I love so very much. I'm happy and blessed.

I suppose it just all hit me at once. Full force. Straight in the face. Unforgiving. I need to stop letting him haunt me so that I can continue on my path. He wouldn't want me like this - he'd want me happy and he'd want me loved and taken care of. In fact, I'm sure he led me to Blair - the one person who can push my buttons better than any other person - better than Michael. I'm sure he's watching just laughing his arse off at how we behave around each other.

I think I'll end on that, the image of Michael laughing.

doctor_rasgotra @ 2008-01-23T22:40:00

2008-01-24T06:40:54Z

I may have just peed myself a bit. My cat is staring at me like I'm a total nutter, but this was emailed to me anonymously and I just HAD to share. I know you'll all greatly enjoy this little number.

[post-hockey // rp for blair]

2008-01-19T03:12:24Z

Still in a fury over her dominant hand being in a splint, Morris trash talking like a douche bag, and Crenshaw mocking her, Neela couldn't wait to get out of there. The men were all talking about going to take hot tubs, but the thought of having to spend another second with that much testosterone in one room made her want to vomit. All she wants right now is to relax at home with her cat and her boyfriend. The boyfriend she'd sent off what feels like ages ago to get her coffee. With Crenshaw yapping in her ear, she can't help but wait, and rather impatiently, for Blair to return so they can head home. She closes her eyes to try and escape the bald man's shrill voice, but instead invisions his unsteady legs on the ice causing her to chuckle quietly to herself.

As she thought of the hockey she was sure of two things - she'd kill Crenshaw if her hand made it impossible for her to operate and two they would have won if they hadn't forfeited.

doctor_rasgotra @ 2008-01-14T15:42:00

2008-01-14T23:42:56Z

Haiku² for doctor_rasgotra
was obviously not a sane one honestly they must have been nutters
@

Created by Grahame

And:

all week she could still
feel his lips against hers and
she'd rather not say

being around him
he's a creative soul more
free than i am

door heya this is a
villanous black that has since
blinded all of her

good crenshaw looks like
gollum flowers are so bright
lots of machines and

her boyfriend let's
not talk about how hot he
is ladies i mean

[Baked Goods and Gossip]

2008-01-13T07:06:21Z

It feels like it's been ages since Neela has had her friend back and after seeing her at work and cautiously gauging her Neela is convinced she has her back.

But there's still an element of nervousness that lies there for her. Is she *really* going to be back to normal, can she really be trusted once more with intimate details of Neela's life. Oh, she's nervous alright, and when Neela is nervous she bakes. Her kitchen is littered with bowls, wooden spoons, mixers, flour, sugar, and various other cooking items, but the end result is delicious. The entire apartment smells like a bakery and there are various cookies, cupcakes, and other baked goods around. With the day off she's really had nothing better to do and she'd rather not bother Blair with the details. Besides, this didn't concern him anyways.

With Jazzy gone Neela hoped things could get back to normal, as in Harold would never be seen naked in her flat ever again.

Harold. Jazzy. Blair. These were all things Neela would have normally shared with Abby immediately and couldn't. But now she can. And hopefully things can go back to normal.

[escapees]

2008-01-10T07:46:06Z

It's been hard sharing her flat with her cousin, but what's been even harder is watching her cat be tortured. The poor thing has had booties put on, jackets put on, hats, scarves, he's walked around with bras on top of him and he's generally become an unhappy camper which means Neela is an unhappy camper. As if Schrodinger being tortured isn't enough, she hasn't had much time to spend with Blair either. Jaspreet has been incredibly demanding and monopolized all of Neela's time -- going out for drinks, going out for dinner, having "slumber parties", going to movies, and hanging out. This is not to say Neela doesn't love her cousin, she does, but there's only so much of Jaspreet's energy low-key Neela can handle.

So, with Jaspreet busy taking one of her infamous lengthy shower's Neela has found the time to escape. Not one to leave the love of her life behind, she has Schrodinger in his carrier as she drives towards Blair's. She realizes she's not called or anything, but this is a desperate situation and she needs to seek refuge. She's sure he'll understand, and if she has to beg for the cat to get to come in too she will.

Three flights of stairs and a deep breath later she knocks on his door.

doctor_rasgotra @ 2008-01-07T18:29:00

2008-01-08T02:29:28Z

HEYA!!! This is not Neela, but her cousin, the uber fabulous and gorgeous Jaspreet. You can call me Jazz though.

Anyways, I'm just borrowing Neela's journal, coz she's fab like that. I'm sure you all know how fab she is.

I've had such a blast here over the past week, I don't think I ever want to leave. Neela's flat is just the tops and her cat is just the cutest and her boyfriend...Oh, let's not talk about how HOT he is. Ladies, I mean, you must agree, don't you? It's a pity he's taken.

Her hospital is tops too -- so many nice people there! They're all so lovely.

Gosh, you know sleeping on her couch isn't even half bad because she cooks for me.

Laters!

doctor_rasgotra @ 2008-01-05T23:51:00

2008-01-06T07:51:28Z

My cousin is here.

It's lovely, really.

She tortures my poor cat.

rp for blair

2008-01-03T08:18:27Z

It’s the last day of 2007 and Neela intends on spending that night with Blair. She’s already requested the night off and with the request granted she’s spent a considerable amount of time decorating her apartment for a festive feel.

With lights hung around the apartment and candles accompanying them, she feels her work is done. One last touch of a Happy New Year banner strung across over the television as she looks at the clock. Only a few more minutes and Blair would arrive, hopefully with champagne in hand.

doctor_rasgotra @ 2007-12-31T21:43:00

2008-01-01T05:43:53Z

I found the following on my cell phone.

I am unamused.

[Present for Abby // RP for Blairsy Poo]

2007-12-13T06:44:09Z

After a successful second first date Neela has already asked Blair to help her out with her christmas present for Abby, and by extension, Lee. With Lily in the back of her car she's on her way over to the artist's flat. She's got freshbaked cookies in the seat next to her, as well as a fresh change of clothes for Lily if she gets as dirty as Neela's expecting. She talks nonsense with the little girl during their drive, when she pulls up and parks she carefully hoists the toddler on to her hip, followed by the diaper bag.

Once inside she looks at the flight of stares with annoyance, Lily, Auntie La La's not quite sure she'll be able to make it up there. Are you?

doctor_rasgotra @ 2007-12-11T18:33:00

2007-12-12T02:33:01Z

You Can't Top a Neela.

Generated by the Advertising Slogan Generator, for all your slogan needs. Get more Neela slogans.

More Neela Please.

Generated by the Advertising Slogan Generator, for all your slogan needs. Get more Neela slogans.

doctor_rasgotra @ 2007-12-04T00:02:00

2007-12-04T08:03:24Z

1. If your doctor told you TODAY that you were pregnant, what would you say?
I'd laugh at them and ask to see proof that they're actually a doctor.

2. Do you trust all of your friends?
Some of the time.

3. Would you move to another state or country to be with the one you love?
No.

4. Do you believe that everything happens for a reason?
On occasion.

5. Can you make a pound/dollar in change right now?
I'm afraid I couldn't unless I broke into my piggy bank.

6. Which one of your friends do you think would make the best doctor?
Too late.

7. Are you afraid of falling in love?
Absolutely.

8.How many cars are on your drive?
Only one.

9. Is there someone who pops into your mind at random times?
Quite often.

10. What's your most favorite scar?
I've not got a favorite.

11. When was the last time you flew in a plane?
Can't remember.

12. What did the last text message you sent say and who to?
"No, you're not." Apparently my cousin thinks she's coming to visit.

13. What features do you find most attractive in the preferred sex?
Passion.

14. Fill in the blank. I love:
HRH Schrodinger Rasgotra, King of England and Chicago.

15. What is a goal you would like to accomplish in the near future?
Make sure Harold is able to function with adults.

16. Do you ever disobey your parents?
I have.

17. How many kids do you want to have?
I'm not sure I want any. One at most.

18. Would you make a good parent?
I think I would, but I work far too much.

19. Where was your default picture taken?
Sloshed at someone's party.

20. Whats your middle name?
Kaur

21. Honestly, whats on your mind right now?
Dirty dishes.

22. If you could go back in time and change something, what would it be?
I'd rather not say.

23. Who was or will be the maid of honour/ best man at your wedding?
Abby and Greg.

24. What are you wearing right now?
Blue scrubs.

25. Righty or Lefty?
Ambi.

26. Best place to eat?
My parent's restaurant.

27. Favourite jeans?
I don't really like jeans, actually.

28. Favourite animal?
Schrodinger.

29. Favourite juice?
Red wine.

30. Have you had the chicken pox?
Yes.

31. Have you had a sore throat?
Of course.

32. Ever had a bar fight?
Not that I can remember.

33. Who knows you the best?
I'm not entirely sure.

34. Shoe size?
6

35. Do you wear contact lenses or glasses?
Glasses on occasion.

36. Ever been in a fight with your pet?
Of course not, HRH is perfect.

37. Been to Mexico?
No.

38. Did you buy something today?
Food.

39. Did you get sick today?
I've not, no.

40. Do you miss someone today?
I always do.

41. Did you get in a fight with someone today?
No.

42. When is the last time you had a massage?
Ages and ages.

43. Last person to lay in your bed?
No comment.

44. Last person to see you cry?
I don't remember.

45. Who made you cry?
I don't recall.

46. What was the last TV show you watched?
Iron Chef

47. What are your plans for the weekend?
Work.

48. Who do you think will repost this?

49. Who was the last person you hung out with?
No comment.

50. If your significant other asked you to marry them TODAY what would you say?
I've not got one and I'm not entirely sure I'd want to remarry.

I'm exhausted.

[Locked from Blair]

2007-12-02T20:49:33Z

You know I really thought we might have had something. After such a short period we were beginning to fall for each other, but good god he was completely different than I thought he was.

Shortest relationship of my life: a few hours.

doctor_rasgotra @ 2007-11-24T18:30:00

2007-11-25T02:30:18Z

You know, sometimes I wonder why some people are generally in a piss poor mood all of the time. I've not done anything, yet I'm still met with gruff and a standoffish attitude. It's unwarranted and I cannot figure out what I've done wrong or what I'm not doing. I'd prefer to right it, but when the only feedback I get is that "nothing is wrong" then obviously nothing is wrong and this person does not want to share what's going on in his/her life. I get it, I'll back off...really. Perhaps I've been downgraded. I swear I'm not trying to dwell on it, but it's rather difficult. There's just something I'm not being told.

Moving on to a more pleasant topic. I've spent most of my off time with Blair lately ~~(Perhaps that's part of the problem? Am I not putting enough time into the friendship anymore?)~~. He's really quite lovely. Schrodinger continues to hiss at him...even if he smells him on me. Poor kitty doesn't like to share Mummy with anyone. I'll have to give him more attention than I've been giving him. It might not help that practically every time I've come into the apartment I've been accompanied by Blair. He did enjoy the turkey leftovers I brought him home, though.

I suppose I should get going, I've got a dinner date with a lovely Irishman who should arrive any moment.

doctor_rasgotra @ 2007-11-19T00:36:00

2007-11-19T08:36:53Z

It's been a very long time since I've felt this strongly about someone. I know I've not updated very often recently, but perhaps that will change as I'll need a channel to explain what exactly is going on and how I'm feeling.

Blair has been wonderful. To say he's been anything short of that would be an err on my part. I've just become completely smitten with him in such a short period of time...but I don't mind it. In fact, I rather enjoy it. I love just being around him; he's a creative soul -- more free than I am in life.

And for now, that's all I'm going to divulge. I'm still not very much liking the idea of sharing him with the public...so, this will have to suffice for now.

[meeting the significant other]

2007-11-19T00:34:21Z

With her shift just ending Neela is in a fantastic mood. Not just cause she's done with work for the day at a reasonable hour, but because in a few minutes she'll be seeing Blair. After a few weeks of dating and spending as much time together as possible, Neela is totally, completely, utterly smitten with him. Yes, he can't handle curry or any other spice for that matter. Yes, when he cooks it has no flavor. Yeah, he doesn't like her cat (but in his defense the cat doesn't like him either). But that all pales in comarison to the things that he does that just makes her melt inside; the accent, the art, the flowers, the kissing (definitely the kissing), the thoughtfulness, those looks, that smile, the list could go on and on as she thinks about it. He's brought a smile to her face whenever she thinks about him, which is often, and the fact that she's going to be seeing him soon only makes it brighter. Her friends have not met him, but she's content with that -- he can still be her secret. Yeah, she's selfish.

She slams her locker shut, locks it and throws her scarf around her neck as she heads towards the elevator and ultimately out the door to Blair.

[lunch at ikes // rp for dontcallmeblair

2007-11-13T05:01:02Z

Neela had been looking forward to her lunch break all day; hell, all week. She could still feel his lips against hers and she'd resisted the urge to go to his gallery to view his work. Stalker was the last thing she wanted on her dating resume. Instead she had to be content to day dream about him...and night dream...and a few other things, but that really isn't the point. The point is it's Monday and she's only five minutes away from her lunch break, which meant Blair would be outside waiting for her any moment.

Just as she was finished washing her hands she found herself in the locker room, pulling on her jacket and then she was out the door with a spring in her step.

doctor_rasgotra @ 2007-11-06T08:56:00

2007-11-06T16:54:20Z

I do believe I'm incredibly smitten with someone at the moment.

[rp for dontcallmeblair]

2007-10-28T07:38:31Z

Everyone had forgotten her birthay. Her coworkers, her best friend, hell, she hadn't really heard much from most of her family either. She couldn't blame them though. She hadn't even realized it had been her birthday until after the fact. It still stung.

She'd told Crenshaw that she had been planning on going home and, well, she had been. But the thought of turning into a cat lady just didn't sit well with her. She didn't even really like cats until HRH Schrodinger Rasgotra King of England came into her life...Oh God...that name. She was totally on the way to becoming a cat lady.

She needed a drink more than ever.

Ike's was easy. Close, cheap, and an assortment of whatever she could possbily want. Plus the Red Sox game would be on, it'd be easy to just blend in without having to field away drunken men -- they'd all be watching the game.

So, she took a seat, ordered up a Newcastle and waited for her drink. Eyes rolled as the crowd around her stood up and cheered.

doctor_rasgotra @ 2007-10-27T21:07:00

2007-10-28T04:05:28Z

Thank you to everyone who forgot my birthday on Thursday. It really was one of the least memorable days of the year.

Oh - wait - I did get a present. The world's youngest intern. How in the world did I get stuck with him? I mean, really, he was just...who let him into medical school? He was obviously not properly socialized as a child -- what kind of a parent lets their child go to college at 12? Obviously not a sane one. Honestly, they must have been nutters. Completely bonkers. Oh -- he's also a mouth breather.

So, yes, really, thank you all for making it a really wonderful day.

doctor_rasgotra @ 2007-10-05T20:57:00

2007-10-06T03:54:57Z

Field hockey? Really? Honestly, I'd see you playing polo before field hockey? Isn't that primarily a women's sport?

doctor_rasgotra @ 2007-09-28T19:40:00

2007-09-29T02:38:25Z

You know, I have good days and I have bad days. Good days are when I feel ready to get off my arse and get back to work. Good days are when I'm happy and can go outside for a jog.

Today was not a good day. Today I did not want to get out of bed. I wanted to sleep and keep the sunshine out.

I miss Michael. Not a day goes by where I don't think of him. Somedays the pain is unbearable and others it's like a bandaid. It's hard to not have someone by my side to help me through this...through what happened in May. We barely had any time together.

I don't even have Ray anymore.

Why do all of the men in my life leave?

I need to get back to work.