Will & Grace with a pint of Ben and Jerry's is the best medicine ever.

That is all.

I keep having dreams about him. More often than usual. Most of the time I see him on the street and run after him, desperately trying to get through the crowds of people only to find that he's vanished. On occasion he'll just come home and he's here, as if it never happend and we fall asleep in each other's arms and I wake up and he's gone, vanished all and any trace of him gone. Nightmares I suppose. Each time they're different. I've relived seeing him again after he came back with that little girl, he's been buried alive, I've watched him die - I know enough to be dangerous about his death. And more often than not I wake up covered in sweat and my heart racing. I suppose most of this stems from his approaching 32nd birthday - something we were looking forward to finally being able to celebrate together and not a million miles apart. I also was so wrapped up in myself and my life that I missed our anniversary and last May - the anniversary of his death. You know I've not even visited his final resting place -- no, I don't like that phrase and I refuse to use the word grave. I've not visited him since we left him. God, that sounds so horrible - left him - as if I wanted to. I've got this buggery American flag to remind me of that every day. That I left him. When in reality, he left me and I let him. I let him go back to that godforsaken desert. I didn't put up enough fight, I wanted him to stay. I wanted him to stay for me and I wanted him to stay for us - but that wasn't enough. He wanted to save the world and he'd be damned if I stood in the way of that. Was I a good wife to let him go when I knew he could get himself killed? Was that a supportive move? It feels as if I gave him his death sentence. I let him walk willingly into a fire I knew was there. It's been two years - almost three - and it can still rip through me - the guilt and the pain and the tremendous ache in the part of my heart that Michael will always have. I don't believe in God - in the traditional Christian sense. But I've got to believe in a higher power and that Michael is some place where he can keep watch over us every day. Some place where he's happy and can laugh and be loved. Some place better than here. Better than earth. I'd be mad if I couldn't believe that for him. He deserves that.

I should be happy - no, I am happy in life. I'm loved by so many and I finally feel like I can take a deep breath of fresh air and not have it burn my lungs in cruel reminder. I've got a great job, friends, and a significant other that I love so very much. I'm happy and blessed.

I suppose it just all hit me at once. Full force. Straight in the face. Unforgiving. I need to stop letting him haunt me so that I can continue on my path. He wouldn't want me like this - he'd want me happy and he'd want me loved and taken care of. In fact, I'm sure he led me to Blair - the one person who can push my buttons better than any other person - better than Michael. I'm sure he's watching just laughing his arse off at how we behave around each other.

I think I'll end on that, the image of Michael laughing.

I may have just peed myself a bit. My cat is staring at me like I'm a total nutter, but this was emailed to me anonymously and I just HAD to share. I know you'll all greatly enjoy this little number.

Haiku2 for doctor_rasgotra
was obviously not a sane one honestly they must have been nutters
@ aboutmylife.netadvogato.orgblogger.comblogs.gnome.orgblogspot.comdeadjournal.comgreatestjournal.cominsanejournal.comlivejournal.commyspace.comspaces.msn.com
Created by Grahame

And:

all week she could still
feel his lips against hers and
she'd rather not say

being around him
he's a creative soul more
free than i am

door heya this is a
villanous black that has since
blinded all of her

good crenshaw looks like
gollum flowers are so bright
lots of machines and

her boyfriend let's
not talk about how hot he
is ladies i mean

HEYA!!! This is not Neela, but her cousin, the uber fabulous and gorgeous Jaspreet. You can call me Jazz though.

Anyways, I'm just borrowing Neela's journal, coz she's fab like that. I'm sure you all know how fab she is.

I've had such a blast here over the past week, I don't think I ever want to leave. Neela's flat is just the tops and her cat is just the cutest and her boyfriend...Oh, let's not talk about how HOT he is. Ladies, I mean, you must agree, don't you? It's a pity he's taken.

Her hospital is tops too -- so many nice people there! They're all so lovely.

Gosh, you know sleeping on her couch isn't even half bad because she cooks for me.

Laters!

My cousin is here.

It's lovely, really.

She tortures my poor cat.

I found the following on my cell phone.



I am unamused.

After a successful second first date Neela has already asked Blair to help her out with her christmas present for Abby, and by extension, Lee. With Lily in the back of her car she's on her way over to the artist's flat. She's got freshbaked cookies in the seat next to her, as well as a fresh change of clothes for Lily if she gets as dirty as Neela's expecting. She talks nonsense with the little girl during their drive, when she pulls up and parks she carefully hoists the toddler on to her hip, followed by the diaper bag.

Once inside she looks at the flight of stares with annoyance, Lily, Auntie La La's not quite sure she'll be able to make it up there. Are you?

1. If your doctor told you TODAY that you were pregnant, what would you say?
I'd laugh at them and ask to see proof that they're actually a doctor.

2. Do you trust all of your friends?
Some of the time.

3. Would you move to another state or country to be with the one you love?
No.

4. Do you believe that everything happens for a reason?
On occasion.

5. Can you make a pound/dollar in change right now?
I'm afraid I couldn't unless I broke into my piggy bank.

( More useless drivel )

I'm exhausted.

You know I really thought we might have had something. After such a short period we were beginning to fall for each other, but good god he was completely different than I thought he was.

Shortest relationship of my life: a few hours.

You know, sometimes I wonder why some people are generally in a piss poor mood all of the time. I've not done anything, yet I'm still met with gruff and a standoffish attitude. It's unwarranted and I cannot figure out what I've done wrong or what I'm not doing. I'd prefer to right it, but when the only feedback I get is that "nothing is wrong" then obviously nothing is wrong and this person does not want to share what's going on in his/her life. I get it, I'll back off...really. Perhaps I've been downgraded. I swear I'm not trying to dwell on it, but it's rather difficult. There's just something I'm not being told.

Moving on to a more pleasant topic. I've spent most of my off time with Blair lately (Perhaps that's part of the problem? Am I not putting enough time into the friendship anymore?). He's really quite lovely. Schrodinger continues to hiss at him...even if he smells him on me. Poor kitty doesn't like to share Mummy with anyone. I'll have to give him more attention than I've been giving him. It might not help that practically every time I've come into the apartment I've been accompanied by Blair. He did enjoy the turkey leftovers I brought him home, though.

I suppose I should get going, I've got a dinner date with a lovely Irishman who should arrive any moment.

It's been a very long time since I've felt this strongly about someone. I know I've not updated very often recently, but perhaps that will change as I'll need a channel to explain what exactly is going on and how I'm feeling.

Blair has been wonderful. To say he's been anything short of that would be an err on my part. I've just become completely smitten with him in such a short period of time...but I don't mind it. In fact, I rather enjoy it. I love just being around him; he's a creative soul -- more free than I am in life.

And for now, that's all I'm going to divulge. I'm still not very much liking the idea of sharing him with the public...so, this will have to suffice for now.